final

I have decided that this is goin to be my final post for a while...i just need to clear my head and get stay away for a while so im not goin to be on MSN or posting and Elizabeth i cant speak to u tomorrow i just need to get away!
im only doing this for u guys!
please u will be better off with out me for awhile

got it off of sezs blog

a forward from bec.. i am also tres bored...which is why i am doing it...POST AND PUT AN X IN WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!! brings back lots of memories....I have:
(x) smoked a cigarette
( x) smoked a cigar
(x) smoked anything else
() made out with a member of the same sex
(x )been in love
( x) been dumped
() shoplifted (Come on, who hasnt once?- me bec ;o))
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
() seen someone die
() had/have a crush on one of your MYSPACE friends
( )been to Mexico
(x) been to Europe
(x) been on a plane
( x) thrown up in a bar
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
(x) crashed and burned snowboarding
(x) been moshed at a concert (haha)
( x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school [not quite! thanks emma for waking me up before i did drop off...]() used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
() felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
() robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car accident
(x) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart
(x) squished barefoot through the mud..
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone call
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
() have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading...
(x) had a wish come true
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed "penis" in class
(x) ate dog food on a dare
(x)told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) sang in the shower
(x) had/have a little black dress
() made whoppee in a park
() had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
(x) got your tongue stuck to a pole
(x) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
() been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
() had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
() done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
() been scared to watch a scary movie alone
(x) believe in ghosts
() have/had more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school [it's called 'the uniform']
(x) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch (ringing a door bell and running)
(x) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on [HA! i win lawson!]
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger [well, he told simon and tim, and tim told me, so close enough lol]
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
(x) caught a fish then ate it
() made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
() mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test [lol, i wrote some times tables on my ruler in yr 5... shock horror!!!]
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked [when i was much younger and it was very very warm]
(x) French braided someones hair
(x) gone skinny dipping

i want to write something i really do...i just dont know wat or how...im sorry im not really worth ur time or this internet space...im in a big slump at the moment as i sit here with the tears welling up but i wont cry i cant...im sorry that im not the person u think i am...and im sorry that im putting u throught this...i hate the fact that no-one here even notices...i can be with my friends but the whole time im cold bitter and totally alone...
sorry

Chocolate

iv decided that chocolate is one of the best and worst ways to start the day! its good coz u start on a high and there arent any bad after tastes like some food has...but its bad coz then u want more through out the day...and u get more and more depressed through the day as the chocolate slowly disapates from ur system!

well i think that the only way to put it is to quiet easily say im have a shit term...i really hate this term everything has been goin wrong nothing is right...i mean reading through my posts for the last week the majority have been me Bitching and complaining but i guess that this is the only place that i can express myself without having to worry about dumping it on ppl... but neways i know that for ppl who dotn know me i must seem like a whiny whingy gimp who has nothing better to do with there life then worry about shit that doesnt even really matter at all!
well i guess ur probably right i am pretty selfish and sefl centered and im tired of this continual worry within myself...
i wish i could be normal and i know that ur thinking but wat is normal...well nromal to me is someone who gets up goes to work does wat they need to do have friends be socialble...go back home and do all the normal things ppl do... im so sick of the feelings im stuck with...all the pain and hate and envy and disapointment...so many feelings that stop me from thinking and working and doin wat i need to do to keep up to date! im slowly falling behind further and further not as in skool work...but within myself years ago i was confident and happy and strong and always willing to givethings a go...but now im reserved self critical depressed and weak...i have no will nemore to get out of bed coz i know wat lies ahead and the prospect of the future days are bewildering as i spend more time thinking about how i can procrastinate my thoughts further...
im slowly falling and failing... the only reson i do eventually get out of bed is because i know that if i have to be there to help ppl to listen to them even if they dont know me within some ppl they feel compelled to tell u everything thats happened within there life...sometimes as i sit there and listen i think about how i wish that i could be them and how things will be so much easier and how i wish i had there problems instead of my own because they are so much more manageable...
this jealousy binds me and makes me resentful on some occasions but still i have to maintain my eternal facade which im slowly dying behind...the outside is that happy girl which can answer any question and is able to come out with advice and sayings which at times help ppl...but on the inside there is this deformed creature that is scared and tormented day in and day out with the prospect of reality and the continueum of life...this creature sits in the darkest corner of my mind and shreds ay concept of happyness that might enter its domain...it sits there rocking back and forth slowly like a crazed pyschopath that is contemplating its next attack... but luckily for u all this mask retains and like a steal wall nothing escapes it...except for the rare occasion...look i hate to say it but some of u know abit about me but no-one knows the tru me...ppl r close to finding it but i doubt that they will be able share my burdens because there r too many even for a 17yr old....

so know i sit here and reminice about my life and i wish...i wish i knew someone who knows wat iv been through...wat im going through...and wat i know is yet to come...im sorry if this shockes some of u but i doubt it will...but im sorry for wat i have/havent done for u...

im sorry, but u dont have to forgive me...

SACs

I have had 4 SACs in 2 days...gah they r reallyreally important to pass..they are a major part of our end of year results...for those of u that dont know what SACs are they are exam like things...they are so bad they r about the topics we r doin in that class but they have alot riding on them...

so as i said iv had 4 of these in 2 days one for Classical societies and Culture on Sparta the ancient olympic games and something to so with athenian government system...(befor democracy) i had/have one in IT which is on Excel and how to do all these programs and stuff...today iv had a Maths one i totally screwd up even tho i now wat i had to do and everythign i just had the biggest mental blank and ill be lucky if i get 50% on it so atleast i know that ill neva be a mathemation! ijust had my legal SAC that was ok i knew everything i wrote full and extended answers but i ran out of time but atleast i should still get a reasonable high result! yes...so maybe i can becom a lawyer instead!

an im in ITright now and i should be doin my IT SAC but really wats the point plus with this one we have over a week to do it so im not really to worried about it plus i could just go back to the house and get some help on it and all of that but i wouldnt becoz thats cheating and i wouldnt want to cheat now would i...

so my week so far has been pretty cruddy as u couldv read and yesterday didnt get ne better at all infact i think that it got worse...well after the whole lets do group therapy i sulked all day on tuesday wednesday i was upset neway but then i went and saw Robbo and he called my mum and told her that i was letting myself get dragged down adn all that crap and that he was worried abotu me and my health but i mean if he was really worried about me y the hell would he go and call my parents...so i got home last nite and i spoke to mum in the car and she asked me wat he meant and i told her that he had exagerated something that wasnt even there and she stopped asking...but he had no right to tell my folks wat i told him in wat i thought was confidentiality...
maybe i should listen to Morgan more often he told me (on tuesday) to get robbo to sign this contract/clause thing that prohibited him from saying nething to neone about what i had said...i really shouldv now it wouldv saved alot of arguin and alot of issues! im so tired right now tho...
i know that i do worry alot its in my nature...but right now im so peeved with robbo as it is and everyone has commented on how quiet i was yesterday...i didnt say a word i just sat there and thought to myself all of these things that dont even make sense anymore...but yeah its goin to be a long term this one... i only hope i have the energy left to see it through!

soo peeved right now with robbo...gah

Long weekend

u know wat i start most of my posts with 'well' stupid word need a new one...
neways this isnt the point of this post was to tell u how much of an idiot i am...well as u know i was off sick last week and so i thought this week would be like normal yeah? so i got up early got ready had a shower all of that put my uniform on made my bed (to some extent) then i did my teeth and dried my hair! then went out side listening to my discman (unwritten law) stood outside for 10mins in the cold waiting for the bus it didnt arrive so i called b'shaw and asked her if it was a holiday today and it turned out to be so i felt like a total dickhead and my dad used it to his advantage! ugh well i guess the fact that its a hol makes up for the embarresment lol! i just realised that its cold outside and im sitting here ina singlet and shorts...oh chilly!
later

Doctor Who

Well i thought seein as no1 else was writing nething except for a small comment on elizabeths blog i should write some stuff! i must admitt that i was a Classic Dr Who fan and i wasnt sure whether this ninth series/ doctor was goin to wreck the mystery and brilliance of the original series of Dr Who... but i take my hat off too Christopher Eccleston he did an amazing job he played the doctor perfectly! i was absolutely shocked wen i found out (a few months ago) that he wasnt goin to be in the next series i was in philosophy (a very very appropriate class to be discussing Dr Who! well i think it was an neways mitch was out making us coffees!) but yes wen dearest morgan told me i fell off my chair (to some extent)(heheh black books other good show) and then i had to be helped back up by the momentarily cripled Parko...(neva goin to be a nurse) neways i was even more surprised tho wen i watched Dr Who last nite and who was then new Who? David Tennant...great man hes a bit geeky but i think hell be a good doctor he has been mainly in theatre but hes also been in a couple of tv shows on the BBC! but yes my absolute favourite all time Doctor is definately Tom Baker brilliant man whose assistant was Romana and hes loveable pooch K-9 curious creature! he also spent some time traveling with a lovely "teenage" boy called Adric hes a genious in maths and science...Adric had a hard life on his marsh planet but he couldv lived with his colony but decided to travel with the doctor and romana! unfortunatly Tom Baker as his time as Dr Who neva managed to find his way back out of E -space...tricky theory is the E theory but its got something to do with our universe only being positive or something then some how they got transported to a parrellel universe which was in negitive space...but yes so Tom Baker had to regenerate whilst in E space!...well does ne1 know wat im talking about or am i just a freak who watches a bit too much tv?

but i also want to congratulate Billy Piper on an amazing job as the Drs assistant! unfortunately shes also decided to leave but half way through the next series which means that David has to get a new assistant at the start of the new series because the doctor never travels alone!
Pictures: Top Left - Christopher Eccleston
Bottom Left - David Tennant
Top Right - Tom Baker (legend)
Botom Right - K-9 (duh)

Sleepy time

well this is the 4th consecutive day iv had off of skool! im not missing nething...except philosophy...oh well i can catch up...neway it is now 10:15am and im dead tired and i just got off the phone with my mother who said well ur father this morning that u werent goin to skool coz u look horrible...well u look as bad as u normally do...thanks mum!

everytime iv fallen asleep iv been woken up by 1 of those annoying telemarketing phone calls and we get 4 of them a day its stupid 4 a day my god... and the more i get woken up the more aggressive i get with these morons~! i mean yesterday by the end of it i screamed down the phone at one of them i said in an aggressive mannor "i dont care, my parents wont care, uv woken me up iv got a headache, how about this u give me ur home number and ill call u 4 times while ur trying to sleep, thats right dont call me again" now luckily for u ppl iv given u the sensored version! yay censors brilliant things...i feel like crap im goin back to bed...nurofen yay...

darkness

for the past 3 days i have been at home sick and in masses of pain! and i havent seen sunlight in 3 days and i feel as if im fading away slowly...its a horrible feelin and i wish it was over! i need more pain killers so im goin to go back into my corner and hide away from everything and everyone

Golden Haze

well firstly im writing this post becoz i feel inspired and secondly because elizabeth told me to!
neway the point of this post is to write about a book that i have acutally read and think is an amazing story about will and self triumph!
the book is called Golden Haze and its by Jade Lewis! its the story of her life and how she went from being a nation champion athelete turned drug user to drug addict and then her struggle to get clean, to get out of an abusive relationship and her courage to continue on!
i met Jade tonite and got to hear first hand her amazing story! she is an amazing woman and im so glad that i could hear her story and get to meet her! its one of those possible life defining moments if i learn a lesson from her story! so if u ever find the book i suggest u read it other wise tell me and ill send it over for u coz im goin to get a copy! well neways i wanted to thank Jade for sharing her story!

Following suite

ok so everyone else had pics on there blogs (except for elizabeth) so i thought to myself y dont i put some pics on my blog so it looks slightly more interesting! well this photo was taken on the easter weekend my sister and i were at skool sittin on perry oval and we were watching the lead guitarest from Hunters and Collectors perform live it was awesome! he sang holy grail and the whole skool erupted and started moshing at the make shift stage! it was an amazing expereince! and we took the photo to remember the nite! as u can tell those who didnt know emma and i dont really look that much alike! and if she seems familiar to some of u thats coz she is now working at seymour college in the bording house! ehehe poor girl! but that was a good weekedn apart from the fact that emma deleted my recording of holy grail i was devistated by this bu i guess its fair! and below that adoringly cute little bundle of fur is Ricky (aka Shortness) its not the best foto eva taken of him but thats because he was asleep and all nice and warm under his blankie! well ill leave now that iv put some pics on!

Today

well i started to write a post during IT but then i had to leave....(lunch)... and seeings as everyone in my house reckons im going anorexic i had to go to lunch today to prove to them that i wasnt...yeah so i was goin to write it about cartoons coz the idiot in my IT class watch really stupid cartoons on the internet not reasonable ones like bukake and things like that stupid ppl! but now im going to write about the CD i got! i got this CD by Unwritten Law omg huge as fan i love them they are awesome i love there song save me (wake up call)... u might of heard it or heard me talking about it so right now while i am writing this im listening to the song its on replay! awesomness (to steal a bianca word) but yes my other fav band is the used so awesome but they dont suit everyones taste! there a bit hardcore for some ppl i love them tho!

Student Computer!

I'm currently in the library i should be doing classics right now and technically i said i was goin to the library to research my the topic which im doin for my speech but as of yet i havent started my speech and ill probably do it off of the top of my head which isnt good wen we r spose to be spouting out dates and greek words haha could be very interesting if i say the wrong thing...
we have to do it on either Women in Athens or Women in sparta or the Olymipcs and seeins as i watched a doco last year that was all about the ancient olympic games i think that some of it mightv sunk in and i should be alright to talk about it for 5 mins easily....
i think everyone does thins dont they they mess around till the last minutes and then they have to work 3 times harder then if they had just written it wen they were spose to! oh well its only yr 11 ill worry in yr 12...or so i reckon!

Mock Trial

agh i just had a mock trial and we lost grrr but yeah it was horrible the judge was biast and i know that ur gonna say that hes a judge he cant be biast be he was...
so we actually did really well but the judge was favouritising the other team and asking the witnesses questions on their behalf so not happy about it at all...
nah im happy that it went well and i think that my team members were surprised that i can actually say more then monocylabic words... (ok thats not the right word for it but meh!)
so yeah they all looked shocked hahah its good! and they all came up to me and went whoa u actually know a ballet technical term haha i loved it i felt so loved!
well i just thought that i should let u know! becoz im really in a wacked out hyper mood!

Brick wall

so here i sit alone in my study...i should be in period 4 right now but robbo allowed me not to go to some of my classes so as to help...
so im writing this on biancas computer as tears swell up my eyes till the screen is blurred and i can only see it wen i wipe away the tears...
you might ask wats wrong with me and i wish i could answer that question for u but there is no simple explanation and there is no nice way of saying it...
i have gone to 2 out of 4 classes so far today but in those classes i couldnt focus or concentrate on one thing at a time...
my thoughts are so random and they are moving at a rapid pace to quick for me to fully grasp the reason for why i had, had that thought to begin with!
well its almost lunchtime which means ppl will be coming back
and that means more and more questions
and more insensitiveness while i act the happy fool for everyone elses sake...