Chocolate

iv decided that chocolate is one of the best and worst ways to start the day! its good coz u start on a high and there arent any bad after tastes like some food has...but its bad coz then u want more through out the day...and u get more and more depressed through the day as the chocolate slowly disapates from ur system!

well i think that the only way to put it is to quiet easily say im have a shit term...i really hate this term everything has been goin wrong nothing is right...i mean reading through my posts for the last week the majority have been me Bitching and complaining but i guess that this is the only place that i can express myself without having to worry about dumping it on ppl... but neways i know that for ppl who dotn know me i must seem like a whiny whingy gimp who has nothing better to do with there life then worry about shit that doesnt even really matter at all!
well i guess ur probably right i am pretty selfish and sefl centered and im tired of this continual worry within myself...
i wish i could be normal and i know that ur thinking but wat is normal...well nromal to me is someone who gets up goes to work does wat they need to do have friends be socialble...go back home and do all the normal things ppl do... im so sick of the feelings im stuck with...all the pain and hate and envy and disapointment...so many feelings that stop me from thinking and working and doin wat i need to do to keep up to date! im slowly falling behind further and further not as in skool work...but within myself years ago i was confident and happy and strong and always willing to givethings a go...but now im reserved self critical depressed and weak...i have no will nemore to get out of bed coz i know wat lies ahead and the prospect of the future days are bewildering as i spend more time thinking about how i can procrastinate my thoughts further...
im slowly falling and failing... the only reson i do eventually get out of bed is because i know that if i have to be there to help ppl to listen to them even if they dont know me within some ppl they feel compelled to tell u everything thats happened within there life...sometimes as i sit there and listen i think about how i wish that i could be them and how things will be so much easier and how i wish i had there problems instead of my own because they are so much more manageable...
this jealousy binds me and makes me resentful on some occasions but still i have to maintain my eternal facade which im slowly dying behind...the outside is that happy girl which can answer any question and is able to come out with advice and sayings which at times help ppl...but on the inside there is this deformed creature that is scared and tormented day in and day out with the prospect of reality and the continueum of life...this creature sits in the darkest corner of my mind and shreds ay concept of happyness that might enter its domain...it sits there rocking back and forth slowly like a crazed pyschopath that is contemplating its next attack... but luckily for u all this mask retains and like a steal wall nothing escapes it...except for the rare occasion...look i hate to say it but some of u know abit about me but no-one knows the tru me...ppl r close to finding it but i doubt that they will be able share my burdens because there r too many even for a 17yr old....

so know i sit here and reminice about my life and i wish...i wish i knew someone who knows wat iv been through...wat im going through...and wat i know is yet to come...im sorry if this shockes some of u but i doubt it will...but im sorry for wat i have/havent done for u...

im sorry, but u dont have to forgive me...